هل الخوف وهم؟ | Fears and Illusions

noufhakeem_1518692463 كنت خايفة إنه لو ماما و بابا اتطلقوا بابا ياخدنا و ما نقدر نشوف أمنا. كنت خايفة انه المدرسة الجديدة يكون فيها مشاكل أكتر من المدرسة القديمة. كنت خايفة انه نقلتي من الرياض لجدة حتخليني ضايعة للابد. كنت خايفة ما اقدر أكون صداقات في محيط جديد. كنت خايفة انه ما عمري اتزوج. كنت خايفة انه ما اقدر اخلف. كنت خايفة انه ما اقدر ابدأ مشروع و انا لسه بادرس. كنت خايفة ما اقدر اوفق بين الامومة و الماجستير. خايفة ما اقدر اوفق بين الامومة و الشغل. كنت خايفة اندم بعد ما اتطلق. كنت خايفة علاقتي تكون سيئة بابو أولادي لو اتطلقت. كنت خايفة ارجع بيت اهلي. خايفة ما اقدر استقل ماديا. خايفة ما اقدر اسكن لوحدي. كنت خايفة ما اكون سعيدة لوحدي. و كمان خايفة ما الاقي شخص تاني ممكن اكون سعيدة معاه. كنت خايفة ارتباطي بشخص تاني يمنعني من حضانة أولادي. خايفة من نظرة المجتمع ليا اذا ارتبطت تاني. كنت خايفة ابيع حصتي في الشركة اللي بتاكلني عيش. خايفة ابدا شي جديد و انا لسه عندي التزامات في شغلي الأول. خايفة اخد قرارات اندم عليها. خايفة احط صوري اون لاين. خايفة احط صور اولادي اون لاين. خايفة اكتب كلام حقيقي على سوشال ميديا. خايفة اطلع على مسرح و احكي تجربة شخصية. خايفة اخد سلفة انه ما اقدر ارجعها. خايفة الناس اللي احبهم يموتوا. خايفة يزيد وزني لو وقفت الرياضة الشديدة و عملت يوجا و بيلاتس. كنت خايفة اتخن و يجيني اكتئاب لو صرت نباتية. خايفة تمشي الدادة و اللي بعدها ما تكون كويسة. خايفة اندم لو نقلت من شقتي. خايفة ما يكون عندي فلوس. خايفة بابا يزعل مني. كنت خايفة ماما تحس انه انا مقصرة. خايفة اولادي ما تكون علاقتهم كويسة بزوجي. خايفة بنات زوجي ما يحبوني. خايفة اولادي و بنات زوجي ما يتفقوا. كنت خايفة من الحزن و الندم و المرض و الحسد و الفقر و النكد و الشعور بالذنب و الشعور بالتقصير و زعل الآخرين. خايفة اكتب دا البوست الخخخخخ. هادي لستة المخاوف اللي ولا عمرها شافت الواقع في حياتي الشخصية الحمدلله. لستة المخاوف اللي عشان تحميني تبغا توقفني في مكاني و تخليني ما اخد ولا خطوة لقدام. لما اليوم يجيني خوف جديد بدل ما اطل في تجربة فلان و علان و اسقطها على نفسي، احاول افهم الخوف و استوعب دوافعه و اتعاطف معاها و اطل في لستة المخاوف اللي فاتت، استخير و اطلب علامة، و اخد نفس طويل و اقول في قلبي حامسك يدك نوف و حناخد خطوة لقدام و نشوف الشعور بعدها هل انقباض ولا ارتياح. هل عندك لستة مخاوف كانت في عقلك و لا عمرها صارت، تقدر ترجعلها لما تحس الخوف بيوقفك مكانك ايش واحد منها؟

Photo Credit: @nadahakeem

 

Growing up, I was afraid that if my parents divorced, my father would take

us away and we would never see our mother again. I was

afraid that my new school would have more problems than the

old one. I was afraid that my move to Jeddah from Riyadh

would leave me lost, forever. I was afraid that I would be unable

to create new friendships there. I was afraid that I would never

get married. I was afraid that I could never bear any children. I

was afraid that I would never begin a project whilst still

studying. I was afraid that I could never reconcile motherhood

with pursuing my Master’s. I was afraid that I could never

reconcile motherhood with my career. I was afraid that I would

regret my divorce––after the fact. I was afraid that my

relationship with my children’s father would become sour. I was

afraid of possibly returning to my parents’ house. I was afraid

that I could never be financially independent, afraid of being

unable to live alone. I was afraid of being unhappy alone, and

afraid of being unable to find a new partner that I can be happy

with. I was afraid that my commitment to a new person would

risk custody of my children. I was afraid of society’s gaze if I

committed to another person. I was afraid of selling my share in

the company that fed me and my family. I was afraid of starting

something new when I still had responsibilities in my old

business. I was afraid of making decisions I would regret. I was

afraid of posting my pictures online, or my children’s. I was

afraid of sharing real talk on social media. I was afraid of

appearing onstage and telling a personal story. I was afraid of

taking a loan, afraid of never paying it back. I was afraid that

the people I love would die. I was afraid that I would gain

weight if I stopped intensely exercising and focused on pilates

and yoga instead. I was afraid of gaining weight, or becoming

depressed if I became vegan. I was afraid of my help leaving,

and for the new one not being quite as skilled. I was afraid of

regret upon moving out of my apartment. I was afraid of having

no money. Afraid that my father would be disappointed, or my

mother sensing shortcomings. I was afraid that my children

would not have a good relationship with my husband. I was

afraid that my husband’s daughters wouldn’t love me. I was

afraid that my children and his children wouldn’t get along. I

was afraid of sadness, regret, illness, envy, poverty, worry,

feelings of guilt, my shortcomings to others, or their

disappointment in me. I was afraid of writing this post…and so

on and so forth and so on and so forth. This is a list of fears

that never saw reality in my personal life––gratefully. This is a

list of fears that, in order to protect me, stops me in my tracks

and doesn’t let me take one step forward. Today, when I feel a

new fear coming, instead of looking at so and so’s experience

and let it weigh down upon me, I try to understand the fear––its

motivations, its reasons. I empathize. I look at the past list of

fears. I take a step back, and ask for a sign. I take a long breath

and I tell my heart: Nouf, I will hold your hand, and we shall

take a step forward and see how it feels afterwards. Does it feel

comfortable, or am I retracting? Did you have a list of fears that

were in your head and never happened? Can you return to it

when you feel that fear is stopping you in your tracks?

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